This is the source material — the actual handwritten journal entries, from the very start. Some entries are excerpted, some complete. There is minimal editing here: I’ve smoothed out weird sentence fragments and expanded abbreviations. Anything starting with NOTE: is present-day me, clarifying. But otherwise this is what I wrote, when I wrote it.
If it feels repetitive, meh, just skip it, but, I dunno, you might find some diamonds in the rough that didn’t make it to any of the essays.
And my aside is that in this time of AI scrutiny, I am both happy and dismayed that I actually write with a lot of em dashes!! Sigh.
December 6, 2020
This journal is dedicated to my spiritual journey. It may be a memoir or a journal or a place to just muse. But the intention is to work through Edgar Cayce’s 12 Steps to Mastering Spiritual Growth.
NOTE: I’ve already busted myself on no books, no teachers! First off, I got the title wrong — it’s actually Edgar Cayce’s 12 Lessons in Personal Spirituality by Kevin Todeschi. And “work through” is really overstated. What I actually did was use each lesson’s title — Cooperation, Ideals, Faith, Fellowship, Patience, Oneness — as a loose monthly prompt. When I didn’t have a clear intention for a meditation, I’d search that word on Insight Timer and pick a track. Just a nudge in a conceptual direction. I only mention it as the chapter titles may be referenced in future essays or entries.
I’ve always been intrigued by memoirs w/ a purpose, i.e. Cooking w/ Julia and that guy who followed the bible for a year.
NOTE: Busted again. I wrote “Cooking w/ Julia,” which is not a thing. I meant Julie & Julia. December me apparently didn’t fact-check either.
And let’s not forget the bajillion health & wellness transformation stories, blogs & forums. There is something about following someone else’s path, their story of ups and downs and hopefully growth at the end, that is very satisfying to me. So perhaps this is a good opportunity to chronicle my own journey. I have lacked the discipline in the past but I really feel a strong pull and desire to do this at this time. It is a matter of focus and energy and I think by just showing up, it will materialize.
“The mind is the builder.“ — Edgar Cayce
December 14, 2020
I’ve always been reluctant to profess my views on anything, let alone spirituality. Who am I? I’m no expert — not religious, not a pastor, not even a student. No degrees or certification or any authority backing up what I have to say. It is intimidating to think I might share my point of view with the world.
But I don’t have to, right? This should be a journey for me first. Study of my own experiment. And then if I have some success, let’s see where I can take it.
Who am I? In the sense of “who do you think you are”, that deters me and puts me in my place. But really, that’s what I’m trying to find out.
December 15, 2020
I had a thought last night — an analogy that is basically my life. Well, my career. I sell wine. I’ve been in the business over 20 years. I have no formal education, certification, or other bestowed authority regarding wine. Yet many consider me an expert and readily seek my advice on all wine-related matters.
A regular person can be considered an expert. Can I accomplish that in the sphere of spirituality?
December 26, 2020
The image that sticks in my memory from the Narnia book Voyage of the Dawn Treader is when Reepicheep sails to the End of the World — and only he can go the whole way. Everyone is sad and angry. But it is him dying. Of course I cried along with them.
So while I am not sure I truly believed in God and Jesus and all that Christianity purports, the seeds were planted. And I think I wanted to believe it.
There is a source of energy and life. I am part of that. Everlasting and eternal.
Like Reepicheep, my flame will not die.
December 27, 2020
Just making notes of some prep for my spiritual journey via Edgar Cayce. I’ve been listening to the podcast Reflections: The Wisdom of Edgar Cayce. The host is Peter Woodbury, who is a specialist in past life regression. I will try to take his course in 2021 if available. He is personable and I get a good vibe from him.
The other thing I’m doing is reading The Boy Who Saw True — the diary of a clairvoyant in the late 1800s, similar to Edgar Cayce. It is fascinating. And I love the language, as well as learning about the day-to-day stuff, i.e., Ma says only commoners eat onions.
December 30, 2020
We watched Soul the other night, and while I enjoyed it, it wasn’t as good as some other, similar movies. It made me think about how movies have informed my concepts of spirituality and the afterlife. I loved the portrayals in Beetlejuice — one of the first movies I thought was clever like that. There’s A Christmas Carol and It’s a Wonderful Life, but those are a bit old-fashioned. The one that really caught my attention was Defending Your Life. Loved it, and it totally resonated. I saw it in my early twenties, I think. It made an impression and guided my thinking on what it means to be in the material world. Little brains!
December 31, 2020
I asked for a dream but now can’t remember any. Just part of one where I forged a very long pipe. I did watch Forged in Fire right before bed, and the guy made a very long sword. Hmm.
January 3, 2021
I did my first meditation of the year. I have been procrastinating terribly since forever with meditation. It is so easy to do, yet for some reason so hard. Even this morning I turned on my phone and got into the apps to find some music and almost was able to distract myself out of meditating — Google Music cancelled, then the meditation app kept stopping. Somehow I felt it was a test of sorts. I could have easily given up. But I persevered and did about 19 minutes. I actually found some lovely piano music that reminded me of George Winston’s December.
I was quite monkey mind for a while. I’m not sure what I was expecting — I do have some experience with meditation, creating 10- and 20-minute naps and hypnosis sessions. Well, I did sit instead of lie down, so no sleeping. I think it’s better to have that awareness, to allow for that lucid, dreamy state as opposed to actually napping. But even Cayce says sleeping isn’t a bad thing, so I won’t worry about it if that happens.
Once I was maybe 5–10 minutes in, I started to have moments of forgetting about my body — I was very aware of my hands on my legs, but then I’d forget, and then it would come back, and then I’d forget again. I also kept drifting back to what I would write about after the meditation, which felt like a bit of a fail. I think I semi-intentionally didn’t write until now, 9pm, to be sure what I reported here wasn’t contrived.
I finally slipped into a hypnotic state — where my body gets a little twitchy — at a change in the music. I’m glad to have music. I’m not sure I could silently meditate without a guide. I suppose that’s something to work up to.
In this meditation I was trying to focus on breathing, but was a little preoccupied with the whole purpose and task I’ve set out for myself — writing a book. Will it be a book? Perhaps it will be something else. Or something just for me. I was concerned with performance. Though as the time progressed I could tell I was settling in, and I found I kept repeating: focus on the process, not the results. It’s about the process, not the results.
So while I believe that in general — I have been very worried that I may not end up with a book, after all my talk — perhaps my eventual mantra came from my guides, and was my answer today. What I needed to hear. So I will keep on with the process and eventually this black book will be filled. Maybe it will be something and maybe not. And I will be okay with whatever it is, as it will be my journey to greater spirituality.
What’s the thing you keep meaning to start? I’d love to know what’s sitting on your bench.